I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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