are you still at the devil's house?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize