White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
