im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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