I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
