Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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