my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
