Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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