Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
