i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Enjoy the penises
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
