Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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