Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize
