He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
