Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize