I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
