i need an iv and a liver transplant
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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