Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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