I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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