why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
