Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
She's like a pop up book from hell.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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