I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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