Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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