Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I got inside last night via doggy door
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
