is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
