Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
