The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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