she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
