apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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