Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
i've created a new STD.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
