you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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