broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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