girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I am one with the molecules
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
