I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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