this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
