my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
