she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
