Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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