Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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