Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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