Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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