imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
