I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
