I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
