I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize