Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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