I hate your face
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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