my phone needs a breathalizer
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize