um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just blew my weed a kiss
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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