Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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