we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
