We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
