I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I licked your asshole in confidence.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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