Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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