Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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