its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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