So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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