Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
try to milk me bitch
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
