He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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