She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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