How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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