So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
