watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I look better un-naked...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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