She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
