I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
