im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
