I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
