i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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